What's wrong with me...

I've been eating nonstop.
CRAP food.
no gym for two whole days.
that's a record.
 I swear.
I don't know what has come upon me, I just gave up on myself.
My self-worth is invisible beyond repair.
I need help.
I'm going home today, so i'm not too concerned.
That's the biggest lie i've told in a while. Next to i'm fine.
Somebody needs to help me ASAP.
NOW
SOMEBODY SEE THAT I'M DESPERATE FOR HELP
I CAN'T BE ALONE
I NEED TO FEEL LIKE I AM NOT FIGHTING THE FIGHT BY MYSELF
AND LOSING AT LIFE.
I AM BETTER THAN THIS, I HAVE TO BE
GOD WOULD NOT GIVE ME THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER IF HE DIDN'T THINK I COULD HANDLE IT
BUT THATS THE THING, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT
there is no having control over an eating disorder, or it wouldn't really be an eating disorder
self defined, it is losing the control of your eating habits and how you look at yourself.
i have poison in my body, pure poison
to have such self hatred should be a sin. i wish it was gone.
it's too much work, and i'm going through it alone.
I don't even think I can trust Liz, I don't think she is genuine.
Whatsoever. I feel like I have to watch behind my back nonstop.
It's more annoying than anybody could ever imagine, to feel like the people who you surrounded yourself with for the past 4 or 5 months, are faker than a barbie doll.
Somebody tell meit will be okay.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE MY FRIEND, OR EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.
just tell me i'm fine
please.

College.

College is one of the many things in life that is certainly not for me. I am tired of the douche bag guys that walk the campus , one after another. Almost as though the supply is neverending. I am tired of going out on a WEDNESDAY. tomorrow is read day, a day the school gives us off so we can STUDY. Not go out and get totally drunk so tomorrow could be a day of recovery.
I've been meaning to come and sit out on the promenade for a while, while nobody else was out here. It is very calm and soothing. Maybe I can even get back into song writing again. Music is my true passion in life, I don't know why I ignore it so much. Singing is something that makes me truly truly happy.
Over my 18 years, I've learned that i'm the ony one that can make myself happyu. I am not ever going to have a boy in my life to do it for me, so I might as well get used to standing on my own two feet alone. No more hooking up, no more talking unless i'm being spoken to. I hate myself. But we already knew that.

When I made this blog, it was titled the self love project for a reason, but really, it should be titled :
REASONS WHY ALYSSA BLOCH WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE ALONE AND IS UGLY AND FAT AND IF SHE WEREN'T SHE WOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND blog.

I'll work on that one. ASAP

I love feeling alone
feeling like nobody cares
of understands
or wants to know
I want to go home, with my family, where I belong
I hate everybody that ever hurt me
fuck that
fuck them
I hate my roommates, that's why I get so homesick
that doorm room, it isn't home. I sleep there.
I have no nurturing here, I hate it . I am only 18, I am not used to being on my own
I am 18
I live with an eating disorder
I can't help it
I can't "just stop"
and yeah, I agree, It's stupid
I wish it never happened to me, I wish my life didn't revolve around food or working out or hating myself, but it does. It gets in the way of everything too.
I can't just hang out with my friends, I have to schedule workouts.
And everyone talks about eating disorders like they're nothing, katie fucking makes fun of them
In the beginning of the year, high point put on a skit and it was like "It will never happen to me" they talked about having a roommate with an eating disorder and she kept a spoon in the bathroom. They always make fun of that. I have a deep dark secret only i know, I have a spoon. In my bathroom, so watch what you fucking say .

Maybe I don't belong here, or anywhere.
I want to go home
right
this
very
moment

at this point in time, I am worse than I have ever been.
my eating is past out of control, I am almost embarrassed to admit it.
that's why i haven't talked on here in so long.

this may sound stupid, but my eating is linked somewhat to my social life. My friends are annoyances, not friends. I am tired of their stupid drama and stupid mood swings. Katie is never nice, she is loud and says really hurtful things, Tori is a whole different story. Lexie is too perfect to be around, she seems like she knows everything and she isn't flawed whatsoever. Liz is perfectly fine and I have no problem with Barrett. They really get me, I go to them with my problems, not my eating ones, those I only talk to Liz about. It helps so much to have somebody that has an eating disorder around. They get it. She encourages me to work out and not to eat and then understands everything i go through everday. I almost fight myself to eat. It is weird, and I don't really know how to explain it. I think I am going to go to a therapist at school. I don't exactly know how to go about seeing one or if we even do have one, but I may try.

Chinese Food
Pizza
coco puffs
cheerios
yogurt
cranraisins
peanutbutter
peanutbutter
peanutbutter

what the hell is wrong with me
I migh t as well not even bother going to the gym. It isn't fun, I don't like it. It is mroe like a burden. I wake up and I ned to plan when I'm going to the gym and then I have to talk myself out of relaxing or taking a dsession off. I only say  session because I go to the gym at least twice a day. Sometimes, up to 3. I am running low on energy  and motivation thou gh. It is quite understandable because i am b y  uyself most of the time. It actually bothers me when my "friends" go. They are boring and I hate having them there. They almost seem to be in my way.

Maybe I am just bitter, maybe I am sick

I don't give a fuck anymore.

I've been dreading about writing this post. I'm fat, and i'm convinced I will be forever

My desire to binge is greater and greater. I've attempted twice now, neither one was successful, but I won't give up. I hate myself. That's the reality of it

I went to the gym 4 times yesterday.
I've been once so far today, i'm going again at 10 probably. Scratch  that I WILL GO AT 10.

I WANT TO GO HOME. END OF STORY.

Lately, I have 0 control over myself. I eat whatever I want and then barely regret it. My work outs are lacking motivation and it's just not good. I have been looking into mia lately  but i'm still unsure if I want to make myself throw up. Going home, it's going to be so much better.  I can't wait. I'm going to the caf for dinner. fro  yo and recess are in order. and a salad or something like that. I haven't eaten too badly today. I had granola and skim, egg white  omlette and a strawberry banana smoothie.

I've been eating so much lately. MUST STOP.